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Put Your Head on My Shoulders

Put Your Head on My Shoulders

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Books are useless! […]

A Flight to Remember

A Flight to Remember

That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to […]

The Beast with a Billion Backs

The Beast with a Billion Backs

There’s one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain! It’s a T. It goes “tuh”. Anyone who laughs is a communist! Morbo will now introduce tonight’s candidates… Morbo’s good friend, Richard Nixon.

Cold Warriors

Cold Warriors

Good morning, oh in case i don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight. excuse me, i’d like to ask you a few questions. we’re going for a ride on the information super highway. Here she comes to wreck the day. here she comes to wreck the day. alrighty […]

The Ugly Side of the Moon

The Ugly Side of the Moon

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me? I’m a Spalding Gray […]

The Birth of Lies

The Birth of Lies

Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

Where No Fan Has Gone Before

Where No Fan Has Gone Before

Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or as I’ve always known him: Jeff. You hate me; you want to kill me! Well, go on! Kill me! KILL ME! The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things.…hey.…the good things don’t always soften the bad things; […]

The Cyber House Rules

The Cyber House Rules

Super squeaky bum time! You hit me with a cricket bat. You’ve swallowed a planet! You know how I sometimes have really brilliant ideas? Annihilate? No. No violence. I won’t stand for it. Not now, not ever, do you understand me?! I’m the Doctor, the Oncoming Storm – and you […]

The Day the Earth Stood Stupid

The Day the Earth Stood Stupid

All I’ve got to do is pass as an ordinary human being. Simple. What could possibly go wrong? I hate yogurt. It’s just stuff with bits in. Sorry, checking all the water in this area; there’s an escaped fish.